The Series of Events Leading to the Destruction of Humankind
By: Lauren Larsen
New App Begins to Brainwash a Generation
July 18, 2018
It all started in September of 2017 when an app with a black background and white music note skyrocketed to the #1 rank in the app store: TikTok. This app, created by ByteDance, a Beijing-based company founded by Zhang Yiming, merged with what was formerly known as Musical.ly, a popular app where users could create short lip-sync and dance videos.
While TikTok is practically the same concept, it has taken the world by storm in a way that Musicl.ly never did. At its peak, Musicl.ly had 200 million registered accounts; TikTok has more than twice that. This relatively new app has teenagers across the world doing the Renegade dance, chanting, “Go Demarcus, go Demarcus,” and climbing onto their roofs, extending their arms, and swaying their legs to Chinese New Year by Sales.
This may not make any sense to someone who hasn’t downloaded the app, but for many Gen Z and Millennial users, it has created a language and a way to connect. Now it seems like everyone is “hitting the woah” in their class, following famous TikTokers Charli D’Amelio and Lilhuddy, and dying the front strips of their hair purple.
Time will tell if this app will continue to influence the youth of the world, and if so, how much of an impact it will have.
Teen Girls Arrested for Making TikToks on Roof of Urban Outfitters
August 15, 2019
Three 16 year old girls were arrested last night after police discovered them trespassing onto an Urban Outfitters in downtown Chicago to film TikToks. Upon questioning, the girls claimed that this is the “content” necessary to garner enough views to make them go “viral.”
They were found on the roof at the northwest quadrant of the building complex at 9:36 p.m. When located, the girls, whose names must remain anonymous because they are minors, were playing the chorus of “My Oh My” by Camila Cabello repeatedly, trying to perfectly perform the dance they saw on Charli D’Amelio’s TikTok account the previous day.
The Police Department filed a report a few hours after the incident and said that the girls were to be released in 24 hours from the city’s Juvenile Detention Center (JDC).
JDC employee Kathy Abernathy said, “I heard the girls chanting ‘This is for Rachel you big, fat, […]’ in the dark of the night. I don’t really know who Rachel is, but I sure am glad I am not her.”
The JDC has reached out to the administrations of local Chicago high schools and asked for them to implement ways to reduce the number of TikToks being made. They figured that sense students are most with their friends during the school day, the school system itself can shut down this “epidemic” of TikTok dancing and acting.
“We cannot have teenagers trespassing onto private commercial property just to film themselves dancing,” said Chief of Police Derick Davison, “It is completely unacceptable and will result in a lawsuit against the teens by the corporations whose rights these girls were violating.” Davison randomly warned, “FASFA’s are not allotted to bad kids who are addicted to stupid apps!”
Sephora Releases New “TikTok Face Liner”
February 1, 2020
Makeup mega-company Sephora announced today that they have designed and manufactured a new makeup liner intended for the face. Teens have begun to draw small hearts on the top of their cheekbones below the eyes. The company has joined the TikTok bandwagon by promoting a product perfect for e-girls and e-boys.
“We believe there is big market potential here,” said Sephora CEO Chris du Lapen, “If we take what is trending online and turn it into a product teenagers can buy, sales will be through the roof.”
“We also are trying to increase awareness of this new product by locking in a brand deal with Charli D’Amelio or Addison Easterling,” said du Lapen. “Honestly, we could use the support of anyone in the Hype House — even the irrelevant ones.”
“We expect e-girls and e-boys to be lined up outside our stores trying to buy the new face liner,” he continued, “If Morphe used this tactic when Euphoria came out and almost every girl started doing avengart eye looks, so can we!”
Even though du Lapen is not on TikTok, he is open to learning more about it, “I made a TikTok already, although it is still in my drafts. When I was scrolling through my For You Page, I noticed kids making ‘CEO of ____’ videos. I am sure you can imagine how I worked with that one. Follow me on TikTok!” Said du Lapen.
Doctors Confirm First Case of TikTok-Talitis: The First Ever Disease Emergence from App Addiction
March 12, 2020
“The prospects are not looking good,” said Mike O’Malley, lead neuroscientist and disease specialist at Johns Hopkins University, “Yesterday, I diagnosed Jessica Aldean, an 18 year old ‘TikToker’ who has experienced muscle and ocular failure due to severe addiction to watching and making TikToks. She has TikTok-Talitis, and many others in the ER are demonstrating similar symptoms.
“I don’t know what happened, it just happened so fast,” said Aldean, “I started getting these intense migraines and everything started to go black.”
Her roommate, Clara Stevenson, drove Aldean to the hospital, “I am so worried for her! But we have a Kappa Delta Date Party in a week and if she is not well enough to film a transition TikTok from ugly to dressed up, then I don’t even know what the point is anymore!”
After other examinations and testing, O’Malley concluded that Aldean was not the only victim, “There are at least a dozen other teens in my ER right now showing similar symptoms. There is no research about it because no one has ever witnessed this before. We are all new to this.”
The doctors have decided that as for right now, the only treatment is a complete purge from TikTok, “Those affected have got to delete this app and reduce their screen time,” said O’Malley. “Until we know more, this is their only hope.”
Upon informing the patients of this treatment plan, everyone broke out in utter hysteria. One patient belched, “But Dr. O’Malley, you don’t understand. There’s an entire new Renegade dance I have to learn! Ahhhhh!”
Victims of TikTok-Tilitis Rise Up Against Humanity
April 1, 2020
“THE APOCALYPSE IS UPON US!” Screamed a Washington D.C. resident on Pennsylvania Avenue, “WE ARE DOOMED!”
The number of people affected with the new TikTok-fueled disease has reached 750 million, more than the number of original users, and it is growing. They have risen up against “the regulars,” those who have not downloaded the app and consumed TikToks, and are ready to take over the world.
Even in less than a month after its emergence, this disease has done irreversible damage. Even the President of the United States has issued a national quarantine of regulars to ensure their safety from the TikTokers.
Those that are affected are characterized by black irises, vibrating skulls, and twitching muscles that occur as a result of not doing enough TikTok dances.
“It’s insane,” said regular Molly Oakley, “they are blaring from speakers in the middle of the night the most popular TikTok songs like…oh what is it…ah yes like Blueberry Faygo by Lil Mosey or Cannibal by Kesha.”
Oakley said that TikTok-Tilitis victims wake up in the middle of the night, flood the streets, and all start to dance, in sync, to trending songs or chant popular skits.
“If you look at them,” said Oakley, “You become one of them. And if you become one of them, there is no going back.”
Doctor reports have confirmed that this disease is like dementia in that victims forget who they are, who they love, and what they enjoy in life.
“All they can think about is TikTok, day in and day out,” said TikTok-Tilitis researcher Donna London, “and the more their army grows, the more people we lose. Before we know it, the entire fabric of the human race will be completely torn.”
“We can only hope that a treatment will be developed to tackle this pandemic, otherwise, we are doomed,” said London.
