You’ve Found the Boy of your Dreams and Now it’s Time to Keep Him
Kate Casper
…So you got the guy. T.C. Williams has a major shortage of cute, respectable, not stupid young men, so this is a huge deal. Maybe he loves you, maybe he doesn’t. Maybe he wants you to take his hand in marriage, and maybe he wants you out of his life for good when you guys graduate. But no need to fear. You CAN and WILL be together forever, but it takes hard work, strategy, and (my personal favorite) manipulation. This is how to trap a guy in 5 days.
Day one: You have to start small. According to a world-renowned psychologist I found on Yahoo Answers, one must ask for what they want out of a relationship–you must train your partner. Like a dog. Men are dogs. This is dawg season. So don’t be afraid to take advantage of his puny prefrontal cortex by demanding he drive you to school, walk you to every single class (even if it’s in the trailers), take you out on frequent and spontaneous trips to the ever-romantic McDonalds in Bradlee Shopping Center, and, most importantly, give you the aux. When he abides by these commands, give him positive reinforcements by patting him on the head or giving him a good elbow bump, but NO KISSING—corona spreads faster that way.
Day two is all about being materialistic and getting the most bang for your emotional buck out of this relationship. This means asking for his hoodies and sweatshirts. This establishes to an onlooker that this is not just a fling or a one-time hookup–this relationship is for life, or at least the end of the month. Then, keep asking for things. Ask for his sweatpants, his t-shirt from Mulch Madness 2017, his shoelaces, perhaps a toothbrush or comb. Anything goes when you’re in love!
The next step is not for the faint of heart. It takes some serious ninja skills, sleuthing, and stalking–(ahem) research. The preliminary phase of day three is to ask him for his phone passcode. Be super casual about it. After all, every good relationship is built on trust and communication. If and when he leaves his phone unattended around you, you must strike and pull a Joe Goldberg on this boy, and turn his location services on, so you can always. Know. Where. He. Is. It’s only weird if you make it weird. Whenever you feel like it, check his location and randomly “show up” where he is…He’s getting groceries for his mom at Trader Joe’s–you’re there. He’s at church on Sunday praising the lord–you’re there. He’s eating pizza with his friends after practice–you’re there. He’s AT A GIRL’S HOUSE–oh, you’re there! Be as sly and inconspicuous as possible.
It’s day four ladies, and it is time to make all the moves in one fell swoop: show up to his house uninvited, and be ready to put your culinary skills to the real test. Show up to his front door and announce that you are here to cook a family dinner. After all, you are “part of the family” now. When your boyfriend walks downstairs, he is initially surprised to see you cooking spaghetti and vegetarian meatballs in his kitchen, but he is super grateful! Because men are dogs. And dogs love food. As you serve your family, be sure to build some rapport with his siblings. If anything were to go wrong in this relationship, you will at least know that 7-year-old Tommy Jr. has your back. By the end of the night, you will be leaving the house a new woman. You aren’t just his girlfriend anymore–you are his one true love, and now the parents love you too! It’s a good day!
Welcome to day five. Last year, we made him a pb&j, but this year, we are taking it to the next level. Some may consider this “off beat” or “crazy” or “simping,” but you are going to have to ask his parents for their blessing. Due to the self-quarantine, this may have to take place over Facetime, but it’s all good. It’s the love that counts.
Look, we know this is a difficult time in the midst of this global pandemic, but you can still apply these fundamental boy-trapping steps because young people can’t get corona (duh)! So go ahead and post each day of your journey on social media with the hashtag “stay home” to show your friends and peers how irresponsible and inconsiderate you’re being over this “break.” Now, if you believe what the CDC says (fake news), then remember quarantine boyfriends are always options too…just apply all these steps digitally–we highly recommend ZOOM! And there you have it: how to trap the guy of your dreams!
Feel free to send in testimonials of your experience with our program to tctheogony@gmail.com.
