TC Williams Principal Announces His Campaign
By: Lexie Larsen, Lauren Larsen, and Hunter Langley
In a shocking and bold move, T.C. Williams Principal Peter Balas has announced he is entering the race for the Democratic presidential nomination.
He announced his campaign at 11:00 a.m. on March 31th. “I figured that since managing the day-to-day affairs at T.C. is the most insurmountable challenge of them all,” Balas said, “being President should be very doable. I am looking forward to a step down in complexity.”
Immediately following Balas’ announcement, President Donald Trump Tweeted, “[N]ow [I]’m scared.”
Other Democratic Presidential Candidates seem to view the announcement with great anxiety. Former Democratic Presidential candidate Mike Bloomberg said, “and I thought I had joined the race late.”
Balas’ announcement created quite the controversy on Twitter, as users were tweeting either #BeatPete or #PetetheElite. Either way, everyone forgot about the “previous Pete,” Pete Buttigieg, who dropped out on March 2.
Not everyone at T.C. is on board with his campaign efforts. Student Dwight Kahoot said, “He couldn’t even get Advisory right, how should I expect him to fix the economy?”
Former Biden supporter and hashtag user Dominic Hapenscolvonski said, “With Balas in the race there is no way Biden can win the nomination now.”
A Trump supporter who also contributed to the firestorm on Twitter, Luke ‘Banjo McGee’ Garcia, said, “I was thinking Trump would have the November election in the bag, but I am not sure anymore.”
Balas already announced his running mate, “There is only one gal I trust for the job,” he said, “and that’s my right-hand woman, Patty Moran.” The announcement came with little shock as the two work closely with Moran being Balas’ secretary.
The decision will likely increase Balas’ appeal with female voters. “I have lived next to Patty for 23 years,” said Moran’s neighbor Marybeth Lancing, “she makes the best lemon meringue [pie] in the whole city. Anyone with that kind of skill has my vote!”
“I have seen Patty give double detentions while talking on the phone with the Alexandria City Mayor,” Balas said, “I am confident that she can get it all done.”
Moran made a comment following Balas’ announcement, “I am ecstatic about being Peter’s running mate. Although I was looking forward to retirement soon, I’m still willing to run. Then again, so are Biden and Bernie…”
Balas also announced his nominations for some of the 15 executive departments. The new Secretary of State will be Economics and U.S. Government teacher Andrew Orzel. The position of Secretary of Energy would be filled by Environmental Science teacher Lexye Hearding. The new Secretary of Agriculture will be Gardening Club adviser and Environmental Science teacher Patrick Earle. The Secretary of Commerce will be Economics and Personal Finance teacher, Dr. Nancy Foote. Finally, Secretary of Defense will be headed by Officer Johnny Larios.
Voters show specific favoritism for the new nominee. D.C. resident Hannah Hansen said, “Finally, a person with proper preparation. Pete’s power as a public school principal will make him a perfect president.”
Even so, some voters are worried about the potential policy Balas might implement as President. Tennessee Native Travis Brody said, “I have heard rumors that Balas would change the 4th of July to National Kagan Training Day,” he continued, “I just want my beer and hot dogs!”
Even so, in a recent debate, Balas notably said he planned to combat climate change by telling everyone to “chill out.” Miraculously since the statement, ice caps have reformed, greenhouse gas emissions have decreased by 20%, and the quantity of ocean plastic has been reduced by half.
Not only that, but if President, Balas promises to eradicate the College Board as he has witnessed the ramifications firsthand of their despicable, greedy, and corrupt business practice. “I am 100% behind Balas,” said senior Neil O’Connell, “Anyone who understands the struggle students of today’s age has to go through is competent and aware enough to tackle other big issues.”
“Biden and Sanders attended college IN THE LAST MILLENIA! How would they know what students need?!” said an anonymous Twitter user.
Balas promises to decrease the national debt by instituting the Kagan principles that sharing is caring and every American needs to do their part to help pay it off, even if it means putting themselves in extreme amounts of debt. Overall, Balas is ready to take what he has learned from being Principal at T.C. to the Oval Office.
A student who works on Labyrinth, T.C.’s arts magazine, said, “Pete B. is who we need. He’s smart. He’s tactful. He can get the job done…he deserves a vote from everyone!”
